AMANDA PLATELL: Just squash Ant McPartlin under your foot, Lisa – and forget him! 


After spending two years and £1.5 million in legal fees battling over their £50 million fortune, it seemed Ant McPartlin and his ex-wife Lisa Armstrong had finally come to an amicable settlement.

He said they’d settled — and would ‘generously’ give her a staggering £31 million, more than the half any wife is due by law, plus the £5 million family house.

This is the home they shared with their beloved chocolate labrador Hurley, who Ant had fought for and for whom he won joint custody.

Her side says she’s going to get less than the reported £31 million — that it’s more like £20 million. But as the dust settles on this sad divorce I have some advice for Lisa. Get over it

Her side says she’s going to get less than the reported £31 million — that it’s more like £20 million. But as the dust settles on this sad divorce I have some advice for Lisa. Get over it

The home where Lisa and Ant had tried desperately for years to conceive the child they longed for. 

Where she had stood by him through years of drug and alcohol dependency and rehab after he nearly wiped out a family while driving twice over the limit.

Yes, the same home into which Lisa had invited bubbly blonde PA Anne-Marie Corbett to help them organise their lives through those troubled times — only to see her run off with Ant and set up home with him.

You can understand how bitter Lisa feels, how angry — after all, Anne-Marie was her friend, whom she invited into their home.

I’ve never met Lisa, but those in showbiz circles say she is a woman of humour, grace and, most importantly, resilience. She’s also a successful make-up artist who can stand on her own two feet

I’ve never met Lisa, but those in showbiz circles say she is a woman of humour, grace and, most importantly, resilience. She’s also a successful make-up artist who can stand on her own two feet

Yet I wish she hadn’t responded to Ant’s claim that they had settled with a social media retort saying it was ‘a load of nonsense’. 

You can understand how bitter Lisa feels, how angry — after all, Anne-Marie (above) was her friend, whom she invited into their home

You can understand how bitter Lisa feels, how angry — after all, Anne-Marie (above) was her friend, whom she invited into their home

Tweeting her 143,000 followers, she then ‘liked’ a message saying: ‘No amount of money could ever compensate for what this poor girl has had to endure.’

Her side says she’s going to get less than the reported £31 million — that it’s more like £20 million. But as the dust settles on this sad divorce I have some advice for Lisa. Get over it.

Ant has treated you appallingly. But every tweet you post keeps you nailed to the cross of this broken marriage.

You have to break away. You are not the first woman to be betrayed. Yet you are one of the few to walk away with a Lotto-winning settlement —even if it is ‘just’ £20 million.

I’ve never met Lisa, but those in showbiz circles say she is a woman of humour, grace and, most importantly, resilience. She’s also a successful make-up artist who can stand on her own two feet.

Time to show it girl. Twitter is not your revenge, your future life is.

Do you really want the rest of your days to be defined by a self-pitying, recovering addict and a celebrity rat? Of course not. 

Just remember ants are small and annoying creatures and can easily be squashed under foot.

It’s Jen…Loren!

Pure coincidence that as the new face of Italian designer Versace, Jennifer Lopez is thinking of quitting Tinseltown for Tuscany?  

Or is it that, as her latest photo-shoot shows, she’s just desperate to turn into Italian beauty Sophia Loren? All I can say is, with her curves, she’s done Sophia proud. 

As the new face of Italian designer Versace, Jennifer Lopez is thinking of quitting Tinseltown for Tuscany

All I can say is, with her curves, she’s done Sophia (pictured above) proud

As the new face of Italian designer Versace, Jennifer Lopez (left) is thinking of quitting Tinseltown for Tuscany. All I can say is, with her curves, she’s done Sophia Loren (right) proud

Amid the Harry and Meghan affair, accusations have been flying that Britain is racist. Yet this week rap star M.I.A. — real name Mathangi Arulpragasam, the daughter of refugees who found safety in the UK from war in Sri Lanka — collected her MBE from Prince William at Buckingham Palace for her services to music. 

Her mum Kala found work here more than 30 years ago stitching ribbons to the medals of honour recipients — and she had made the ribbon on her daughter’s gong.

The picture of a proud daughter placing it on her mum’s shoulder said everything about this country’s fine multi-cultural record — and gave the lie to those who cry racism at every turn.

Sam Mendes’s movie 1917 is up for ten Oscars. Jolly good, but watching it this week I had to nudge my ex and my stepson awake before the first bullet had been fired.

It is derivative of 1981 movie Gallipoli, starring Mel Gibson. And it doesn’t compare with World War II film Saving Private Ryan, which has the same message of lions led by donkeys. 

I’d give films a snooze rating, not stars. This one’s the full Mogadon.

Westminster Wars

The PM’s partner Carrie Symonds made an appearance, in name only, on his MP’s register of interests as an adviser with Oceana International. 

Disappointing, given that, after spilt wine and screaming matches, we’d have at least expected an announcement of engagement.

There are fears that Labour leadership front-runner Rebecca Long-Bailey’s campaign might be derailed by her views on abortion. 

The Roman Catholic doesn’t agree with laws allowing a disabled child to be aborted after 24 weeks, enraging the feminist lobby. 

Surely it’s preferable that a politician uses the Bible as her guide rather than Corbyn’s and McDonnell’s Little Red Book.

There are fears that Labour leadership front-runner Rebecca Long-Bailey’s campaign might be derailed by her views on abortion

There are fears that Labour leadership front-runner Rebecca Long-Bailey’s campaign might be derailed by her views on abortion

The ‘Stop Keir Starmer’ campaign is working, nobbling the early frontrunner for the Labour leadership. But what hope was there for a man who is 150 Shades Of Grey? 

It’s a win, win for Betfred

Fred and his brother Peter Done are billionaires. 

They created Betfred, a gambling company that made £728 million last year by luring men (mostly) into the world of compulsive online gambling that has destroyed so many lives.

Now we learn that their other firm, Health Assured, has contracts with the NHS and councils worth at least £2.5 million . . . providing services for gambling addicts.

I guess for these shameful exploiters, that’s what you call an each-way bet. 

I am saddened Sandi Toksvig is leaving Bake Off — but not surprised. 

Having to be witty while witless bakers weep over sunken souffles would test the endurance of any intelligent woman, let alone one with a brain the size of her native Denmark.

With his new The Only Way Is Essex reality TV star wife Kate, 28, his show is about the dilemmas of her being a stepmum

With his new The Only Way Is Essex reality TV star wife Kate, 28, his show is about the dilemmas of her being a stepmum

Rio telly’s own goal

Barely two years after former England footballer Rio Ferdinand made a heart-wrenching documentary about the loss of the mother of his three children, his wife Rebecca, 34, to cancer, he’s back on TV. 

With his new The Only Way Is Essex reality TV star wife Kate, 28, his show is about the dilemmas of her being a stepmum.

Rio, 41, and Kate said they felt ‘compelled to tell the next chapter in our lives’. 

Forget Towie, the only way for this show is . . . tacky.

Promoting her role in ITV’s drama Quiz — about the scandal of the coughing major in Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? — Sian Clifford reveals she has suffered mental health problems. Well done her for her honesty. 

For those who don’t recognise her name, Sian played Claire, the sister of Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s Fleabag in the sensational dark comedy of the same name. 

‘I took myself to see Star Wars and I swear to God that it saved my life, the energy it gave me,’ she says. 

She did what to cure herself? As Yoda would say: ‘A most alien route from the dark side, this is.’

Kathy Bates, who already has one Academy Award, has secured a fourth Oscar nomination for Clint Eastwood’s movie Richard Sewell.

In more than 70 films, Kathy, 71, says her looks meant she’s never played anything other than characters like the fat, rich old bird she portrayed in Titanic. 

But the actress is relieved. 

‘I look at my friends who are beautiful girls but [they’re] not working after 40,’ she says. 

She’s right, the likes of Michelle Pfeiffer, Demi Moore, Sharon Stone and Jessica Lange have seen their starring roles sink like the Titanic.

Without wishing to offend, may I suggest a glamorous woman salivating over sexy, four-times Oscar-nominated Phoenix makes him not a victim, but a poster boy for that ‘cleft community'

Without wishing to offend, may I suggest a glamorous woman salivating over sexy, four-times Oscar-nominated Phoenix makes him not a victim, but a poster boy for that ‘cleft community’

Sexy Joaquin’s not a victim

U.S. TV host Wendy Williams has been forced to apologise after saying she found Joker star Joaquin Phoenix ‘oddly attractive’ due to the scar on his upper lip, caused by a cleft palate. 

She’s been accused of being ‘hideous and offensive’ — not by the actor — and has apologised to the ‘cleft community’ . . . yes, there actually is one.

Without wishing to offend, may I suggest a glamorous woman salivating over sexy, four-times Oscar-nominated Phoenix makes him not a victim, but a poster boy for that ‘cleft community’. 



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