Name: Chanel water bottle and holder.
Age: Introduced in November, but only just arrived in UK stores.
Appearance: Golden, nestled in a quilted lambskin sleeve with a long gold chain to go over the shoulder and the Chanel logo worked into the cap.
Are you serious? What kind of idiot pays that kind of money for a water bottle? The plentiful kind: Britain’s Chanel boutiques have already nearly sold out of them.
Where does the water come from, Mars? It doesn’t come with water – you have to fill it up yourself.
From the tap, you mean? That’s the idea – it’s a reusable bottle, not a disposable one. It is environmentally friendly.
So the price is a deterrent, like charging 5p for a shopping bag. Exactly. It’s a water bottle for life.
At £4,410? I should live so long. Staying hydrated will help with that.
I just can’t imagine that anyone who feels entitled enough to own a Chanel water bottle would stoop to drinking the regular tap water. Once you own it, you can put champagne in it if you want.
Is it, perchance, the most expensive water bottle ever made? Heavens no. It is not even the most expensive Chanel model ever made.
It makes a pricier version? Twenty five years ago, Karl Lagerfeld designed a leather water-bottle holder with a gold chain for Chanel’s 1994 collection. It was much admired at the time, and vintage examples now go for more than £7K on certain websites – but do shop around.
Seven large for a manky old water bottle from the 90s? No, that is just for the holder. You would have to supply your own water bottle.
Well, I guess I’ve heard everything. Not quite. The actual most expensive water bottle ever, the 24-carat-gold-covered Acqua di Cristallo Tributo a Modigliani, went for £45,000. The water itself – a blend sourced from France, Fiji and Iceland, lightly adulterated with gold dust – was included in the price.
Huh. I should buy two in case I lose one. Only one was ever sold, at auction in 2010, ironically to raise funds to combat the climate crisis. The same bottle designer has also produced a £3.4m platinum version, but there is no evidence anyone has actually paid for it yet.
That Chanel water bottle is starting to sound like a bit of a bargain. I knew you’d come round.
Do say: “Are you crazy? That’s the amount I spend on fags, takeaways and betting machines in a month!”
Don’t say: “If you really cared about the planet, you’d stop drinking water.”