Now to badger Bozzie over some other magnificent British beasties | Catherine Bennett | Opinion

Over the moon to be a lead badger influencer! At the very young age of 31! Seems everyone agrees we must save badgers from farmers who force these magnificent creatures to carry tourists around Derbyshire’s so-called beauty spots until they collapse from exhaustion and are ruthlessly shot for their tusks.

People are already asking me to save grouse and pheasants too! But, people, birds can fly away! Every conservationist knows that! So proud of this super underground-nocturnal-flightless-animal-loving government. And of Brexit!

Can’t wait to celebrate with Dil and my favourite Brexit hero. He’ll be here just as soon as he’s finished his private virology lesson. And I have a very special policy surprise to share with Bozzie over his favourite katsu curry. Somebody needs to protect defenceless moles from vile trophy hunters!

Honestly. Would it hurt him to pick up? The Deliveroo’s stone cold.

Stanley: “Wha? What, oh Carrie, you’re not – er? – no, it’s far too soon, thank God, what time is it, dear girl, oh just 4am. No idea, old girl, probably in hiding, one hears the sainted Dom n’est pas content avec mon fils le PM’s line on, er, le choo choo très vite – that’s train in French, Carrie – so it’s very much quel Dommage! Dom-mage? No? Well, up the wooden stairs to Bedfordshire, dear girl, though do check you’re locked in, there’s a full moon, Dom’s been spotted with two scarves and — Carrie?”

Wait. The doorknob’s rattling. The temperature’s dropped. Dom? Or a Dom weirdo? There was one in the bathroom yesterday. Why is Dilyn whimpering?

Me: “Help! Stop it, get off me you evil white blob! Oh thank God – Bozzie darling, you’re home!”

As told to Catherine Bennett

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